Dear Batshit Loopy Leader of the Free World,

I just got done listening to your fifty minute press conference. Since someone left a hand grenade for you at one of your recent public speaking events, I took the opportunity to jot down some constructive criticisms that I think might make people less hostile to you in the future. Please consider the following.

First, stop smirking. I was only listening over the radio, but I could actually hear you smirking at times. I mean, your policies really suck. But I think it is the fucking smirking that is engendering a lot of negative energy. I actually heard a guy in a book store (that is a place where people go to buy books - you know, the things people purchase to read) the other day say to his friend, "His policies are no worse than Reagan's, but that fucking smirk." The fact that he didn't mention you by name, and that it was clear to all within hearing distance that he was talking about you, in public, tells me you've got a fucking smirking problem. As you'll recall from your days as a recovering alcoholic, the first step is to admit it. Okay. Stop fucking smirking = less hand grenades. I am pretty sure about this.

Second, stop using phrases like "it's what the American people want" when you are talking about policies you have been told to shill. I know you've been elected twice as the President of the U.S., with the assistance of the U.S. Supreme Court, the government of the State of Florida, insane fundamentalist Christians, and Diebold. But trust me when I say this. You have no fucking clue what "the American people" want. They are a diverse group, the majority of whom think at an intellectual level you will never attain. Just because Karl, Dick, Rummy, Condi, or any other of the batshit loopy (it is a relatively new phrase, invented solely to describe your government, I think) advisors you have surrounded yourself with, give you a policy they want you to sell to the American people, doesn't mean that you speak for the American people. Or the "citizens of the world." Let the people worry about what they want. Just stick to shilling your bullshit with phrases like "I want" or "this administration wants." Less rage invoked = fewer homicidal thoughts in your audience = good idea.

Third, never, never, ever, EVER, interrupt a member of the domestic press corps (these are all people trained in the art of communicating via the English language, at least now that your butt-boy Jeff Gannon has been removed) to demonstrate your superior language skills. Let me give you a specific example here. Remember the guy who asked you this morning about our defense department's decision to "scrap" our only military contact with North Korea (where we are still searching for the bodies of our dead from the Korean War - an interesting historical comment about war, I think). And, you interrupted him (smirking at the time, right?) and said " 'scrapped,' that's the verb you used right. I would say 'reassessed.' Yuck, yuck, yuck." I know. Something you learned from the "Framing by Frank Luntz" course that Karl has you taking, right? In private, that may have been a really funny thing to say. I'd like to commend you for trying to expand your vocabulary, and for being able to identify the verb in the question. Very good. But, in all honesty, sir, you are kind of a dim feeb. And when a dim feeb (smirks) argues about language usage with a trained professional, it just kind of makes the dim feeb look like an aggravating asshole. Aggravating asshole = engendering hostility = you get it by now. I mean they might start calling you in off the bike path when there is a threat, if you just stop being an asshole. I know it's hard, but try Georgie. Try.

Fourth, please stop calling anyone "Stretch." I know. You love the camaraderie of the whole nickname thing. But, "Stretch?" Maybe cute in TV dialogue circa 1950-1970. But, now, just fucking annoying. Engenders hostility, etc. Try a new nickname for that guy, and we will take it on a press conference by press conference basis. It might eliminate just a little hostility toward you. Not as much as getting rid of the fucking smirk. But any little bit might be enough to save you, man.

Fifth. Work on the mock outrage when you are trying to dismiss the Amnesty International Report condemning the United States as a rogue nation. I think your intonation was off when you said the report was "just absurd." Many Americans probably don't yet recognize the credibility of Amnesty International. So if you can really sell the mock outrage, then that might defuse the anger they will feel when they realize you have turned our nation into an international pariah. Less hostility from people who could understand that we now are a country with our own disappearing act - dare I say death squads - would be a good thing for you now.

I had to shut you off after that. Blood pressure getting a little high. You understand.

But, one question. Did any of that elite media corp ever get around to asking you about how the Downing Street Minutes are serious and credible evidence justifying an investigation of your administration for high crimes and misdemeanors? I mean, that might have been a sticky situation, trying to get you to deny in public what we know you knew when you lied and took our fucking country to war. If they didn't ask yet, just keep practicing the denial that Karl wrote for you. You can do it. I doubt very much anyone is going to ship you to an international war crimes tribunal during your lifetime.

Best regards